BodyRage 5

You, body, who shall you
be to me now?

It’s time that I became an I
instead of Other/You.

Women identify with body
so I read
but you were always other.
I considered you un-beautiful.
Since only beauty
would affirm me,
I looked instead
inside my skull
for intellectual prowess.
You became insignificant,
devalued.
Then, when it began to look
like your betrayal
would crush my dreams
I saw the body-mind connection.
Feeding you whole grains
reading esoteric books
you became something to be
prodded
bribed
convinced
back into health.

As if betrayal,
if there was any,
was something I would do
to myself.

But you went on!
Not enough to scare me.
Not enough to take the feeling from
my legs and feet and fingers!
Not enough to send me dashing to
the bathroom 20 times a day!
You kept on getting worse.
Taking all pretense of health away.
Now my life is focused on
accommodating you:
Do I have the energy?
Will there be stairs?
Is it too far?
Where is the bathroom?
How could you do this to me?!

As if I wanted this?
I’ve done everything I could
to fight against it.
Sending signals across nerves
clogged with scarring.
If there were any way to win,
I would.

But people DO!
Some people with MS don’t
even know they have it.
I’ve done everything I could
to make it so with us.

“You” blame “yourself” and
not bearing that
then you blame “me.”

Yes! I did everything I could--
YOU must have failed!

Disease is not a weakness
of character.
That’s medieval thinking.
I’m worse because it’s worse,
not because I didn’t do
what’s right.
And I am you am I.
There is no split between us.
We are one being.
And even the disease is us.
But you have never been good
at loving yourself--
too busy proving you deserve love
and never getting to the loving.

Then what?
If I accept this mystic union of yours,
where does that lead us?

Perhaps to no where different.
As we discovered long ago
there’s no escaping this:
the pain and loss and rage
are parts of life.
But if we can be I
perhaps the blame can go away
perhaps in unity
we’ll find some strength
and peace.
It’s worth a try, at least.